Blanked

I've read a very inspiring book titled: The diary of a young girl : Anne Frank. I'll soon write a blog about that later on. In her diary, she named her diary 'Kitty' and made her diary very personal and lively. I love that. So, from now on, i will name mine 'fudgie' .

Dear fudgie:

(As my title goes) I'm so confused and puzzled nowadays. Many things and events happenned recently and i realised something. Somehow, i think differently from others. Is that a bad thing? It's like my objective of life, my thinking, my behaviour to some people are adsurb, ridiculous, unbelieveable and unconsiderate and wrong. I'm really frustrated because somehow i believe that i'm not wrong. After all the dramas in my life, i learn to be considerate, i learn to put myself in others shoes and think twice (or more than that) before i do or talk. The thing is, when i tihnk in route A, people think in route B. So when i done it by route A instead of B, people are sad, disappointed in me. I want to clear things but it's always not a good timing. Why is this happenning to me. Sometimes i want to shout out :"HEY, THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKIN!! GET IT?? STOP MISUNDERSTANDING ME!!"

Sometimes i tend to think, okay, this is me. This is my way of doing things and thinking. Is either you get it or not. If you know me well, you'll understand that i do not think in that way and i will not act that. If i really did something unpleasant, i'm not stupid and irrational. It must be for a reason. If you confront me, i will appreaciate it because this shows that you care. If you just let it die of like that, that's the end of the story. I'm being nice and considerate but somehow i do not know why people will interprate it as harsh and disappointing. So do you wish that everytime when i wanna be nice i'll utter it out loud? Latest example: When i'm talking to A, A seems tired and not in mood for talking. Immediately i sensed that and try to talk on another topic you'll be interest with. Oh, you're not. It seems like you are really not in mood. Naturally, i advised you to rest well so that we can have a nice conversation next time. HOWEVER, to A, i'm ....................you fill in the blank. And now, i'm totally blanked.

seasonings of life

I can't recall when is the last time i wrote a blog. The truth is, i realise i will only have the notion to write one when i have a special feeling. The unusual one. There are several times where i wished that i have my laptop beside me so that i can expres all my thoughts by depicting it in a blog.

My days are the same, routine nowadays. I can't define it as monotonous because somehow i like it. Everyday it is the same. School, homework, laughing, eating, screaming.........it keeps on repeating, repeating and repeating. I won't define it as monotonous, because somehow, i enjoy it, i like it. I love it. It is easy, predictable, and smooth. Ironically, i'm not this kind of person that like this kinda life. I used to love surprises, i joined any competition that i could, because i like to perform myself, and try as hard as possible to savour the taste of victory. I enjoy trips, as it is a perfect deviation off my routine life. Compared to last year, where i'd experienced so many events, embedded myself in different kinds of emotions: tragic, love, betrayal, difficulties in making the ultimate choice, sad, happiness, sorrow, excitement, novelty, confusion, seperation..........each event left me with different impacts, which actually altered my thoughts and behaviour.

Life is just so boring without seasonings, but i guess mine are finishing. A part of me like the original taste of it as it is a novelty to me. You will get bored or even sick if you have too much of pepper or salts in your bowl. Not to mention perservatives which false the taste and bad for your health. I do not need that at this moment. No matter what life offers me in future, chilli or garlic, i can take it. For now on, i'm finger-cross and hope that the original taste that i've chosen is a good choice.

chinese new year?

Chinese New Year is consider to be the biggest event of the year. For once, it used to be like that. I keep on recall the chinese new year that i used to have in my childhood, for it was filled with joy and happiness.

Reunion Dinner is suppose to be merry, it's the preparation that i enjoy the most. All those moms busy chatting as they cook, all dads chatting non-stop from politics to economics. For us, kids, we gamble, we play games, well, just to name a few. But this year, i'm totally moodless for the cny. We are not having reunion dinner with uncle and his family as usual. Da ke is in dubai fro training, Er le is at US studying. It was so so so so Boring......Mama is not here anymore. i miss her so much, as i used to have mama with us during cny. Chinese New Year is never the same anymore. Some how i missed last year's reunion dinner. Although mama just passed away at that time, but all of us were there. Though all of us were sad and mourn, but all of us were united at that moment. Comfort each other and care of everyone. I missed that moment so badly. Well, my family had our reunion dinner in kuala krai this year. Somehow, it's not the same as billy, my favourite cousin went to England, studying.Haiz.....what a year....

I do not know why, but i begin to dislike cny right now. Right now, cny means trying your very best to dig back all the memorable moments and act like your're having them right now. I hate it. Somehow i started to hate visiting as everyone asked you the same thing and you reply them the same thing. Oh yea, and those aunty will compare you with their son or relatives. How i wish that i can shout at them, asking them to shut up. I know that i'm blessed enought for i can spent my cny with my family while some can't. For now, i just wish that everyone that i care and miss who are in foreign country, not able to come back for cny are doing good and fine. Once again, i'm finger crossed that the reunion dinner that i wish for will come true next year. Happy CNY? I guess not.

A year has passed..

A year has passed, and yet i still miss granny involuntary and sometimes i found myself murmuring to her. Tell her about problems that i'm facing, and asked for her guidance. Although mama( that's how i address her) had passed away exactly one year, the image of her, all the wisdom and advice she once told me, all those memories that i had with her did not wane and yet as clearly and vivid as it just happenned yesterday.

Since i was a kid, granny is my idol. She may not be well-educated, but her wisdom of life is even more better than many educated people. Preserverance is the most important value of life that i've learned from mama. She told me about how they survive through second world war. Although it was just a brief description, i can tell the fear and the pain. She was just at my age at that time. If it's me, for sure i cannot deal with that. My grandpa died young, leaving mama as a widow with 3 children. She was a strict mum. And granny. Since small, all of us were scolded, hit hard when we done something wrong. I still remember how fierce she was when she found out that i sneaked out and buy cold beverage. She used to restain me from cold drinks as it's bad for health.

Until she met the accident, and her arm was in pain everyday due to nervous disorder. I used to helped her to sort of 'massage' it, hoping it would ease her pain. There's one day, she suddenly 'cubit' me and i jumped in shock and screamed in pain. She smiled and said " that's the pain that i endure every night. "

She suffered the pain of her hand for about 5 years i think. There's times where she uttered words like " let me die and free me from the pain". I used to scold her and told her not to even have the notion in her mind. I reminded her how blessed she was as all of us love her, care about her. However, sometimes i think that i'm selfish as it's me myself who could not let her go, the slight imagination about her leaving us made my tears streamming down my cheek.

Mama, i knew that you died in peace. You waited tjun came, sat beside you and then only you let go. Till now, i still condemn myself why didn't i try my best to listen what you're murmuring that night, the last night i was with you, the last night you're in this world. Anyhow, every now and then, i can feel that you're still with us. Well, I cannot explain that. Sometimes when i wanna buy a coke, your voice will ring in my mind. Honestly, i love it and miss it so much.

I promise you that i 'll become a person that you'll proud of and happy for me high up from heaven, under the arm of God. Preserverance that you have shown me mould me into who i'm today. However, sometimes it's too competitive and stubborn in a bad way. Hee...

In 'Tuesday with Morrie", it's written that one is not entirely died even he was dead. The compassion and love that you once radiate is still with us, with the entire family. Even one year passed, all of us still miss you and the love is ceaceless. You're forever in my heart mama..Love you.

Tuesday With Morrie

In the beginning of this new year, the brand new 2010, i accidentaly found this novel, Tuesday with Morrie in the library. The front page is simple, the title is more than usual, and not as thick as the usual novel that i used to read.. However, my eyes beamed with delight when i saw this novel and grabbed it immediately. Bear once told me that this novel is superb and mind-provoking. hmm, this is something i would like to read about, leave alone all those teary romance that Nicholas Sparks brought me that i had enough during the holistic holiday.

Once i came back from school, i immediately online to check my muet grade. Well, the goverment should really improve their internet system as the line is so damn slow. After a few attempts, i gave up and checked thru message. One thing that i hate about checking thru message is that i hate those disappointments that it once brought. JPA, matrics, I HAD ENOUGH. However, it's not satisfy, it still struck me, without further alarms, and leave me alone in dismal. Oh shit, it's not the grade that i expected. All those four letter words are circling around my mind, not to spit it out because of my mother was just beside me.

One thing that i hate myself is that i always have a standard, expectation in myself. So, i'll make sure that i work hard to reach my target, not to regret after that. And i'm competitive in a negative way, i like to compare myself with other people. That makes me work harder, to win whatever race and competition which i put myself into. When i win of course, you'll see me laugh, not to express it in front if everyone, but deep down, i'm savouring the taste of joy and satisfaction that success offer. When i didn't make it, i'll get teary and condemn God for being unfair. On my second thought, i'll start to think why it goes wrong, but the second thought just seldom appear in my mind.

After reading Tuesday With Morrie yesterday, i actually get something. Here's my favourite part.

"What i'm doing now, is detaching myself from experience. Learn to detach. Like Buddhists say, don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Let the experiance penetrate you fully, That's how you are able to leave it. "

"Take an emotion, fear, pain. If you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to go all the wat though them, you can never get being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, afraid of the grief, afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. "

"But by throwing yourself into these emotion, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. And only then you can say 'All right. I have experience that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now i need to detach from that emotioni for a moment. "

"Same for loneliness, you let go, let the tears flow, don't hold it, let it flow completely-but eventually be able to say," All right, that was my moment with loneliness.I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and i'm going to experience them as well"

Thanks Prof. Morrie Schwartz for all those provoking ideas.
Thanks Mr. Mitch Albom for writting this incredible book and give your readers a chance to understands the simplicity beyond life's complexities.

The summary of 2009

It's 1.17 a.m right now. Somehow, my eyes are getting sleepier but i know very well the moment that i lie on the bed, my mind will go wild and it wouldbe endless again. Jia Li is having her last spm paper tomorrow, chinese. Thinking about last year, i was probabaly in Japan last year at this time, at Kinan, Osaka with my host family. I truly had a wonderful time there.

Within a month, it will be another new year, 2010. I wonder how time can passed really, just like a blink of eye. Think back, what have i actually done this solid year? I'm 18 this year, this year suppose to be fun, to be memorable, to be insane. Like when i'm 80 and i can told my grandchildren that ' yea, granny used to have or do that when i'm 18'. But am i?

At the very beginning of this year, i had gone through a very hard time. My granny died on 21st Jan. When daddy told me that i'm needed to goto kl to take care of granny because she's hospitalised, i was so frantic and wished that i was there beside her immediately. yea, i still remember that clearly. Thank God that give me this chance to take care and spend time with her and i was beside her, accompanied her thru her final night in this world. Although all of us are in deep grive, but deep down i'm happy that she didn't have to suffer anymore. Thanks for xx who was always there for me at the very moment, and also my friends that supported me.

Then, it's Feb and i was getting my car licence at the time. I became kakak in my house. I take care of all the house work, i cooked meal and etc etc. I'm so useless at that time that there are actually times where i stared and listened to the cloak ticking. Imagine that.

March. I got my spm result. I was over the moon at the moment and excited to go to serve my national service. My time in ns was never a dull moment. Wonderful friendship had been forged there. Kai jeck, lichen, bikun, sin yee, a sek, bean yao, mei yun.....oo..i miss you guys so so much!! Even though sometimes it's tiring and felt like giving up,thanks to xx who never fails to keep me accompanied and also my parents who are so worried about me and try to make everything possible to make me more comfortable. Endless additional food supply. haha. Yup, i did did some insane stuff while i'm serving my ns..hahahaha..That's the happiest time in my life i believe.

After my ns, here comes the toughest decision. Form 6 versus A level. i had did so many research, listened to opinion, balancing all the pro and con of both parties and finally, i'm in white shirt and blue dress, appeared in smch again. Till now, i never regret that i've chosen form 6 as my choice. Everyday, my mind is fullly loaded with chem, bio and that bloody math. Same routine everyday, school, eat, tuition, study, sleep and 'puff'---HOLIDAY!! and my boredom started.

I went to kl to celebrate bear's birthday on 4 dec. It was a blast. All of us enjoyed ourselves so much and themost important is bear's happy with all the surprises and her birthday celebration. After came back to kb, i have to do my homework, do some revision thati hated the most but what to do, i wanna get good grades that enable me to study overseas after stpm. it's my dream and i have to wark hard. no short-cuts. haiz.....

2 more weeks and i'm going to Bangkok with uncle's family. I'm kind of excited for that trip as firstly da ke is going too and i can't recall when is the last time i talked to him, hopefully can have some good memories with him in that trip. Second, do i really have to mention about it? Bangkok is a paradise for shopping, are you kidding me? ?? Haha..

My eyes are heavier than ever right now. Again, i'm finger crossed, hope that jiali and jia yi will be alright for their chinese paper tomorrow and my Bangkok trip will be a blast. And i'll miracally find my lost math notes.

Joy and Excitement

it's been a while since i updated my blog. To be honest, i completely forgotten my blog'd user name just now. I have to google myself. I started to suspect myself of getting short term memory.

Well, it's December. Last year when it approached December, I was overwhelmed with joy and excitement. Joy was that my SPM was over. We had our last paper, Account on 1st of dec if i'm not mistaken. Excitement is that i was going to Japan as a exchanged student on 3rd of Dec. Now, my sis are having the same trials and problems as i faced last year, but theirs are far more exciting. they are flood to worry about. I bet this would be a very good experience for them!! I still vividly remember when i had finished my account paper and waited the time to past and my SPM was finally over. That time, i thought that this was the very last time thati will appear in this school as a student in uniform. Well, who knows here i am, once again, as a form 6 student. i've taken the path to study form 6 and till now there's no turning back and i'm certainly not regret of the choice that i've made.

Excitement. The excitement that the Japan trip was simply AWESOME. I've actually learnt a lot of things there which cannot be explain verbally. It's that my perpective had changed and I know deep down, i have changed somehow, in a better way of course. And for sure, i had so so SO SO much fun there, many friendship had forged there, now i had friends from other states in malaysia and other countries, Aussie, Canada, India Phil and thailand. Oww, i miss them so so much. Emily, Jonrey, Toei, Tamara, Ellen, Katrina ...i just can't list down everybody here.. the list is too long. Hope that life is treating them well.

In 2 more days i will goto kl to meet bear them. It's been a while from our last gathering. Till now i still can't believe that we are actually having our own life and our own path, circle of friend, way of lifes and bla bla. Sometimes i will kind of worry for them , especially some of them who are having some relationship problems. How i wish that i could be there to maybe listen to them and slap those bastard. Hope that life treating them well too.

Once again, finger-crossed for everyone that i appreciate are in good condition may God bless them.