N E R V O U S

Nervous can't actually explain my feelings right now.

What's going to happen this coming Monday? It's the day after tomorrow.

Will I cry? Tears of happiness or dismals?

Surely, I want to scream my lungs out, shouting like a mad man, jumping up and down, thanking all my teachers, sharing my joy with all my friends, and tell myself :" You finally did it jiawen :) "

Not to forget grabbing Mr Hapidin, for a photo for the local tabloid. As what I've promised him.

All my hard-work, will it get paid off? Endless of uncertainties are rooming me right now. And I don't even want to spare a moment to think about me getting the unwanted results.

Should I put on my best clothes, to get prepared to stand in front of the reporters' camera? Like I used to? It's not that I'm ego, confident or whatever. It's indeed my true feelings. Throughout my schooling years, all these years, I never let my parents down, I hit my own expectation. I'm a straight-A student. Yes, I can said that proudly. I never get a B in my UPSR, PMR and SPM. What about STPM??? I don't want a B to appear in my certificates this Monday. However, deep down I know somehow 2 subjects are going to let me down. I know I did not do well in these 2 subjects. But I seriously cannot bear with that results. I cannot take it. Puzzled. Dilemma.

I've studied so hard even I'm impressed with myself. I once tell myself that no matter how the results to be, I have no regrets. Anyhow, even there's no regrets, believe me, if i get the unwanted results, I'll still blame myself, probably slapping myself. Well, I'm quite emotional sometimes.

On the bright side, keep telling myself that it's worth it, all the hard-work will get paid.

I'm gonna smile brightly, hug my parents and see the triumph look of my parents, especially my mom, whose eyes will beam with pride. Well, I've seen that for 3 times. Let me see that again will you mom? My friends and I will congratulating each other non-stop, thanking our teachers. Phoning my close friends who are studying in other states, mostly Malacca and KL, telling them about my results. Not to forget my relatives too. Come back home, post it on Facebook, and start applying for Uni applications and available scholarships.

Finger-crossed, crossed, CROSSED, let it happen to me please :)

Hobbies?

It's my first blog in 2011!! Look back my 2010, it's not actually filled only with all the studies for my STPM. Actually i did have many good time. Well, i actually miss my form 6 life. In the class, all the joy, all the struggling during some boring periods, all the arguement, all the gossipings. I miss everyone right now!

Okay, go back to the topic. I'm just came back from Taiwan last week. By right i should have one blog reserve for my Taiwan trip, but don't know why, i just do not have the right mood for writting a blog for the trip. The trip was awesome, no doubt, but...........i dunno :(

Okay, go back to the topic. When i was in Taiwan, i saw many people who own DSLR. To me, my old perspection, DSLR is another tool for them to show off..like uttering ' look at me, i'm artistic and cool' in silence. No offence but right now, i apologise to anyone whom i judged with this staement. In Taiwan, those who own one are really interested in photography. And they're really really talented. Once i talked to Chun Leng, whom jia jia and I usually refered him as DSLR. I asked him about why photography? What is that so special about taking photos? And it's a costly hobby in fact. When he answered me, his eyes were actually beaming with light and he started to talk like a pro. I was amazed. And the following days, i noticed that when we reached a place with beautiful scenary, those who own DSLR will have different kind of positions, some squat, some standing, some even lying on the floor (this is not me exaggerating!!) to capture the incredible scenary with the correct angle, lightness and the proper lens.
You know what i did, i just snap snap and snap, in some case, i don't even bother to zoom it even the image was like ant size. That's time when i was amazed by Jia jia and ying them, they manage to take like 100++ photos with different poses, expression. Moi? Kill me!!

And when i think back, i don't really have any hobby, interest and things that i like. Yea, i like to read novels, but i don't really have one favourite writter. In fact i like to try on different writters' novel and indulge myself in every novel with different types of writting, distinct style of portraying the stories. I know i'm weird.

And yea, i like to listen to music, but i don't really have one favourite singer. Oh, TVXQ when i'm still a teen. Right now, nah. But i prefer English hitz than chinese songs. Anyway, some chinese oldies are still my fav.

Yea, i like to sing!! A lot! But i know deep down honestly i know that i'm not a talented singer that i can own a record or sth like that. Not that i even have the chance! However, i did enjoy the time when we sing together, in a team, like as a member in 6th graders! Oh, i missed my time in Choir so badly. If i have the chance, i will join any choir club, if i found any. I love to spend my Christmas in KL. It's not about the shopping. When i heard any carolling in malls, i will squeezed myself into the crowd and enjoy the music until my sister pulled me off. If i have the chance, i'll take part in some singing competition again. I like to prove myself. Hell yea, i'm sootohjiawen.

Okay, i'm lazy of writting at this moment. This is a bad ending i know, but my brain is so dry at this moment :) My next blog will be my taiwan trip. That's what i've promised my dad. Yea..he forced me to write a blog like billy does. Till then, happy new year everyone!

I hate Grey's Anatomy!!

I have been watching this drama series since i'm 14 i think..can you imagine? It's been 5 years! I was just 14, fyi i'm just form 2 back then and i can't even barely understand some of their conversation in the drama. I hate this drama. Seriously.

I'm having the long awaited STPM right now. I just finished my Biology paper 1 today. And i think i screwed my exam. Okay. I'm not going to continue to write about that. It's pathetic and i feel like scolding myself for having a taufu brain. Still, i hate Grey's anatomy.

I've given my extremely best for this exam, if not what do you think that have caused me the swollen eye bags?? So for a little treat for being a great warrior, i started to watch Grey's Anatomy season 1. Right from the beginning. I started to watch this drama from season 3 5 years ago and till now, i've totally no idea what is the latest season that is on air right now. 7? 8??

I used to watch this drama with my baby sister, ntv7, tuesday night or saturday night, can't recall the exact day. Since we have our own laptop last year and my mighty sister discovered that Grey's Anatomy is in PPS, then we started to watched it online. Yeah, we cried together, passing tissues for one another, hugging one another when it's too much. I miss that moment terribly right now :(

I hate this drama. It makes me feel like i'm a stupid ass that will cry alone in front of my computer screen. I even sobbed!! I have to pretend that i'm having flu to wipe off my tears just now to prevent my dad from worrying. Gosh, i don't even cry like this when i screwed my exam!! Next time, as a friendly reminder, if you wanna watch this drama, prepare some tissue paper next to you. Ask your bf or gf or good friends or your sister( lili i miss you!!) to be next to you when you're watching. This ain't no kidding. For the time being, i have no bf, no sister by my side, i just have to continue pretending that i'm having flu. I don't want my parents to think that i'm insane. I hate Grey's Anatomy!!

Next Destination

Dear fudgie:

It's been a while i know. But I'm too busy about my studies and STUDIES!!
I'm only left with another month to prepare for my STPM.
It's like the movie 24 hours, the clock is ticking, John Bouver is running, his sweats are dripping.
In my case, I'm studying, calculating, writting non stop.
I know my goals, which not to say absurb, but kind of hard to realise.
But this is the pay-off price to get something that you want.
In fact it's the thing that i always wanted, since when...i'M 14??
And this is even better.
Athough i know people will tell me just try your best or don't think too much, or just stay silent, little that i know if i can achieve it or not.
It's a unknown.
Somehow, i can imagine it happening.
I'll fight for this.
No matter what it takes.
This is the only chance.
This is it.
It's now or never.
People who dream big but don't work hard enough to realise that do not have the right to complain about unfairness in life.
I used to blame on fate and luck.
But i won't do that again.
It's just me and you.
And i know what's the ending.
It's me smilling till the end.

Grown up?

I received phone call from my aunt (yi ma) , the day after my birthday and she reminded me that i'm a big girl and going to turn 20 next year. Walao, 20. Old? Young? Somehow i always imagine that i'm still 17 or 18, i just don't feel like 19 and going to turn 20 next year. The only time that i know that i'm really a big girl is when i'm driving.

Anyway, deep down i know that i'm not that young and childish girl anymore. Bear used to say that i'm childish when we're 17. I once asked her:" Do i really have a deep relationship to get mature?" Feel like slapping myself for asking that dumb question. Now, i can answer my own question. No, you don't need that to be mature. Anyhow, if you meet somebody who suit you and mature, you are going to learn much from him. Or you should get some lessons in life. Although mostly the pain of falling down are unbearable, but it's the courage and determine to stand up and stay strong that make you mature. Smooth sailing life is not a life.

I like the feeling of missing you. It makes me feel like you never left. People come and go. For some friendship that i've treasured but i know it's vanishing, because of why i'm not sure, but i wish you the best of luck all the time. For all the people that once in my life, care for me, but now due to some factors we're maybe not even friends, aquintances maybe or even stranger, thank you. Sincerely. For those who still bonded with me, i hope this will last. For last 2 years, i get to know a lot of things, including those u treat them like real friends but turn their back when you need them or only find me to get some benifits. It's sad but it's good i think, to get to know. Okay, I'm goin to sleep soon. Thanks for not available tonight, so that i can have time to write to my lovely fudgie. Finger crossed, hoping you're going to have a great week. xoxo.

So near yet so far

Dear fudgie:

I always know what's my dream, what's my goal and who i'm. I'm that kinda girl that know what i want and do everything it takes and leads to my goals. Maybe sometimes i'm too confident in myself and people often misjugde me as arrogant. Well, maybe it's true. haha..Well, you cannot blame me for this as since i was a child i have been treated unfairly in primary schools. That's why since then, i told myself to be super good in everything.

Since in secondary school, i told myself that i have to get straight a's in every public examinations. So that i can see the proud face and the pride in my parents. I'd study really hard and yup, i did it. I told myself that i have to get a chance to goto Japan as student exchange. And i did it, better still, it was FOC. I told myself that i've to get JPA scholarship so that my parents won't have to pay a penny for my tertiary education. Anyway, it's their hard-earned money, why should they spent it on me? I prefer they use that money to go for vacation or something else. However, fair lady is not by my side this time, i didn't get it. I'm stubborn, as all my friends know about that, and i take the challenge, STPM. I told myself that i'm gonna rock my STPM and get my much-coveted chance to study overseas. Studying overseas is my dream since dinasour is still on this earth.

Time flies, and the cliche' "like a blink oy eye" , STPM trial come and goes. And i done badly. Really bad. I've never been studied till so hard and this is the worst results that i've get in my entire life. My superior aim is to get 4 flat in my STPM. Right now, it's like a vapour, vaporising into thin air. When i get my chemistry results, there's a fire in me that told me ' jiawen, seriously study hard from now on and show to others who you really are and what are you capable of.' When i told others, i expect the same from their mouth. " You can do it in real STPM, come on, don't worry so much!!" Should i not be worrying? I doubt.

I often live in other people's expectation. And the most important is i always live under my expectation. I expect myself to be good, excellent and great. I want to live the life and achieve whatever i've promised myself. But can i achieve everyone of those? I hate to say that i doubt actually. Please, give me some guidance give me some luck and i really need it right now. Finger crossed, please let me live the life that i want. Seriously.

Birthday!! Happy? Absolutely.

Dear fudgie:

Abondoned my math, here i am again. I HAVE AN AWESOME BIRTHDAY EVER!! It's actually last week, where i do not have the slight expectation because the trial examination was the next day. Knowing very well that nobody is going to celebrate it with me, i did not fantasice a surprise and continued memorising those hateful facts. Another sad thing is, i did not accept the phone call or even a text of birthday wishes from the person that i wished to receive the most. I'm almost devastated:(

Just when I'm at the verge of giving up my paper1 pa, i received an unexpected visit from a dear friend, shiarn feen!! She even brought a small chocolate moose and a present!! I was so so surprised and i almost kissed her..haha..That's the first surprise.

After our biology tuition, when i was paying the tuition fees, i saw inlu peeking from the kitchen and the next thing, i saw kuei ping and wei chen carrying a piece of secret recipe's cake, lighted with candle and sang the birthday song. Awwwww, that's so sweet you know. Normally it's me who plan all these things but when that's dedicated for me, i just did not know how to response and all i can do was laughed. And when i take a closer look, it's Tiramisu, my all time favourite! Thanks again my cute friends. That was the second surprise.

Around ten pm, when i decided to dizzy myself by filling in those poisonous pa facts, i received a call and that's the third surprise. This surprise i decided to keep to me and myself only for which it's too valueble and i just want it to be just between me and the special one. Sorry fudgie:) You just have to know that i'm blessed, overwhelmed and HAPPY. That's officially my favourite and the most happy day in my life. Ever.

Then the long and suffering exam week was finally over. I'm quite amazed with myself where i had to deal with stress, sadness, pain all in one week. There was actually time i broke down and curled myself up in bed. Nah, it's not because of exam, it's of something personal. But just so you know, i'm cool again fudgie, so no worries:) And here comes the fourth surprise. Thursday, when i thought jia jia and jane were keeping their promise to accompany me though the night, so i thought we were going for a girls' night. When i walked out of the street, suddenly, a group of people just running towards me, shouting and laughing. I couldn't recognise any of them as my visions was blurred with all the pop-up ribbons which are all over my hair and body. SURPRISE!! They were actually my form 6 gang of friends!!! I was tearing and touched when i saw kuei ping holding a cake with candles lighted!!!! After that we had a lovely dinner at pizza hut and a supper at oriental cafe. They even bought me a box of The Body Shop stuff which i adore so so much. Thanks again my friends!!

I'm so so blessed for which i can celebrate my birthday this year with my beloved ones. Thanks for everything and here i am, once again, finger crossed, hoping that my birthday next year will be a blast and i'll have the chance to celebrate it with my love ones:) Birthday..happy? Absolutely.