A year has passed..

A year has passed, and yet i still miss granny involuntary and sometimes i found myself murmuring to her. Tell her about problems that i'm facing, and asked for her guidance. Although mama( that's how i address her) had passed away exactly one year, the image of her, all the wisdom and advice she once told me, all those memories that i had with her did not wane and yet as clearly and vivid as it just happenned yesterday.

Since i was a kid, granny is my idol. She may not be well-educated, but her wisdom of life is even more better than many educated people. Preserverance is the most important value of life that i've learned from mama. She told me about how they survive through second world war. Although it was just a brief description, i can tell the fear and the pain. She was just at my age at that time. If it's me, for sure i cannot deal with that. My grandpa died young, leaving mama as a widow with 3 children. She was a strict mum. And granny. Since small, all of us were scolded, hit hard when we done something wrong. I still remember how fierce she was when she found out that i sneaked out and buy cold beverage. She used to restain me from cold drinks as it's bad for health.

Until she met the accident, and her arm was in pain everyday due to nervous disorder. I used to helped her to sort of 'massage' it, hoping it would ease her pain. There's one day, she suddenly 'cubit' me and i jumped in shock and screamed in pain. She smiled and said " that's the pain that i endure every night. "

She suffered the pain of her hand for about 5 years i think. There's times where she uttered words like " let me die and free me from the pain". I used to scold her and told her not to even have the notion in her mind. I reminded her how blessed she was as all of us love her, care about her. However, sometimes i think that i'm selfish as it's me myself who could not let her go, the slight imagination about her leaving us made my tears streamming down my cheek.

Mama, i knew that you died in peace. You waited tjun came, sat beside you and then only you let go. Till now, i still condemn myself why didn't i try my best to listen what you're murmuring that night, the last night i was with you, the last night you're in this world. Anyhow, every now and then, i can feel that you're still with us. Well, I cannot explain that. Sometimes when i wanna buy a coke, your voice will ring in my mind. Honestly, i love it and miss it so much.

I promise you that i 'll become a person that you'll proud of and happy for me high up from heaven, under the arm of God. Preserverance that you have shown me mould me into who i'm today. However, sometimes it's too competitive and stubborn in a bad way. Hee...

In 'Tuesday with Morrie", it's written that one is not entirely died even he was dead. The compassion and love that you once radiate is still with us, with the entire family. Even one year passed, all of us still miss you and the love is ceaceless. You're forever in my heart mama..Love you.

Tuesday With Morrie

In the beginning of this new year, the brand new 2010, i accidentaly found this novel, Tuesday with Morrie in the library. The front page is simple, the title is more than usual, and not as thick as the usual novel that i used to read.. However, my eyes beamed with delight when i saw this novel and grabbed it immediately. Bear once told me that this novel is superb and mind-provoking. hmm, this is something i would like to read about, leave alone all those teary romance that Nicholas Sparks brought me that i had enough during the holistic holiday.

Once i came back from school, i immediately online to check my muet grade. Well, the goverment should really improve their internet system as the line is so damn slow. After a few attempts, i gave up and checked thru message. One thing that i hate about checking thru message is that i hate those disappointments that it once brought. JPA, matrics, I HAD ENOUGH. However, it's not satisfy, it still struck me, without further alarms, and leave me alone in dismal. Oh shit, it's not the grade that i expected. All those four letter words are circling around my mind, not to spit it out because of my mother was just beside me.

One thing that i hate myself is that i always have a standard, expectation in myself. So, i'll make sure that i work hard to reach my target, not to regret after that. And i'm competitive in a negative way, i like to compare myself with other people. That makes me work harder, to win whatever race and competition which i put myself into. When i win of course, you'll see me laugh, not to express it in front if everyone, but deep down, i'm savouring the taste of joy and satisfaction that success offer. When i didn't make it, i'll get teary and condemn God for being unfair. On my second thought, i'll start to think why it goes wrong, but the second thought just seldom appear in my mind.

After reading Tuesday With Morrie yesterday, i actually get something. Here's my favourite part.

"What i'm doing now, is detaching myself from experience. Learn to detach. Like Buddhists say, don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Let the experiance penetrate you fully, That's how you are able to leave it. "

"Take an emotion, fear, pain. If you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to go all the wat though them, you can never get being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, afraid of the grief, afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. "

"But by throwing yourself into these emotion, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. And only then you can say 'All right. I have experience that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now i need to detach from that emotioni for a moment. "

"Same for loneliness, you let go, let the tears flow, don't hold it, let it flow completely-but eventually be able to say," All right, that was my moment with loneliness.I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and i'm going to experience them as well"

Thanks Prof. Morrie Schwartz for all those provoking ideas.
Thanks Mr. Mitch Albom for writting this incredible book and give your readers a chance to understands the simplicity beyond life's complexities.