So near yet so far

Dear fudgie:

I always know what's my dream, what's my goal and who i'm. I'm that kinda girl that know what i want and do everything it takes and leads to my goals. Maybe sometimes i'm too confident in myself and people often misjugde me as arrogant. Well, maybe it's true. haha..Well, you cannot blame me for this as since i was a child i have been treated unfairly in primary schools. That's why since then, i told myself to be super good in everything.

Since in secondary school, i told myself that i have to get straight a's in every public examinations. So that i can see the proud face and the pride in my parents. I'd study really hard and yup, i did it. I told myself that i have to get a chance to goto Japan as student exchange. And i did it, better still, it was FOC. I told myself that i've to get JPA scholarship so that my parents won't have to pay a penny for my tertiary education. Anyway, it's their hard-earned money, why should they spent it on me? I prefer they use that money to go for vacation or something else. However, fair lady is not by my side this time, i didn't get it. I'm stubborn, as all my friends know about that, and i take the challenge, STPM. I told myself that i'm gonna rock my STPM and get my much-coveted chance to study overseas. Studying overseas is my dream since dinasour is still on this earth.

Time flies, and the cliche' "like a blink oy eye" , STPM trial come and goes. And i done badly. Really bad. I've never been studied till so hard and this is the worst results that i've get in my entire life. My superior aim is to get 4 flat in my STPM. Right now, it's like a vapour, vaporising into thin air. When i get my chemistry results, there's a fire in me that told me ' jiawen, seriously study hard from now on and show to others who you really are and what are you capable of.' When i told others, i expect the same from their mouth. " You can do it in real STPM, come on, don't worry so much!!" Should i not be worrying? I doubt.

I often live in other people's expectation. And the most important is i always live under my expectation. I expect myself to be good, excellent and great. I want to live the life and achieve whatever i've promised myself. But can i achieve everyone of those? I hate to say that i doubt actually. Please, give me some guidance give me some luck and i really need it right now. Finger crossed, please let me live the life that i want. Seriously.