I have been watching this drama series since i'm 14 i think..can you imagine? It's been 5 years! I was just 14, fyi i'm just form 2 back then and i can't even barely understand some of their conversation in the drama. I hate this drama. Seriously.
I'm having the long awaited STPM right now. I just finished my Biology paper 1 today. And i think i screwed my exam. Okay. I'm not going to continue to write about that. It's pathetic and i feel like scolding myself for having a taufu brain. Still, i hate Grey's anatomy.
I've given my extremely best for this exam, if not what do you think that have caused me the swollen eye bags?? So for a little treat for being a great warrior, i started to watch Grey's Anatomy season 1. Right from the beginning. I started to watch this drama from season 3 5 years ago and till now, i've totally no idea what is the latest season that is on air right now. 7? 8??
I used to watch this drama with my baby sister, ntv7, tuesday night or saturday night, can't recall the exact day. Since we have our own laptop last year and my mighty sister discovered that Grey's Anatomy is in PPS, then we started to watched it online. Yeah, we cried together, passing tissues for one another, hugging one another when it's too much. I miss that moment terribly right now :(
I hate this drama. It makes me feel like i'm a stupid ass that will cry alone in front of my computer screen. I even sobbed!! I have to pretend that i'm having flu to wipe off my tears just now to prevent my dad from worrying. Gosh, i don't even cry like this when i screwed my exam!! Next time, as a friendly reminder, if you wanna watch this drama, prepare some tissue paper next to you. Ask your bf or gf or good friends or your sister( lili i miss you!!) to be next to you when you're watching. This ain't no kidding. For the time being, i have no bf, no sister by my side, i just have to continue pretending that i'm having flu. I don't want my parents to think that i'm insane. I hate Grey's Anatomy!!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Next Destination
Dear fudgie:
It's been a while i know. But I'm too busy about my studies and STUDIES!!
I'm only left with another month to prepare for my STPM.
It's like the movie 24 hours, the clock is ticking, John Bouver is running, his sweats are dripping.
In my case, I'm studying, calculating, writting non stop.
I know my goals, which not to say absurb, but kind of hard to realise.
But this is the pay-off price to get something that you want.
In fact it's the thing that i always wanted, since when...i'M 14??
And this is even better.
Athough i know people will tell me just try your best or don't think too much, or just stay silent, little that i know if i can achieve it or not.
It's a unknown.
Somehow, i can imagine it happening.
I'll fight for this.
No matter what it takes.
This is the only chance.
This is it.
It's now or never.
People who dream big but don't work hard enough to realise that do not have the right to complain about unfairness in life.
I used to blame on fate and luck.
But i won't do that again.
It's just me and you.
And i know what's the ending.
It's me smilling till the end.
It's been a while i know. But I'm too busy about my studies and STUDIES!!
I'm only left with another month to prepare for my STPM.
It's like the movie 24 hours, the clock is ticking, John Bouver is running, his sweats are dripping.
In my case, I'm studying, calculating, writting non stop.
I know my goals, which not to say absurb, but kind of hard to realise.
But this is the pay-off price to get something that you want.
In fact it's the thing that i always wanted, since when...i'M 14??
And this is even better.
Athough i know people will tell me just try your best or don't think too much, or just stay silent, little that i know if i can achieve it or not.
It's a unknown.
Somehow, i can imagine it happening.
I'll fight for this.
No matter what it takes.
This is the only chance.
This is it.
It's now or never.
People who dream big but don't work hard enough to realise that do not have the right to complain about unfairness in life.
I used to blame on fate and luck.
But i won't do that again.
It's just me and you.
And i know what's the ending.
It's me smilling till the end.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Grown up?
I received phone call from my aunt (yi ma) , the day after my birthday and she reminded me that i'm a big girl and going to turn 20 next year. Walao, 20. Old? Young? Somehow i always imagine that i'm still 17 or 18, i just don't feel like 19 and going to turn 20 next year. The only time that i know that i'm really a big girl is when i'm driving.
Anyway, deep down i know that i'm not that young and childish girl anymore. Bear used to say that i'm childish when we're 17. I once asked her:" Do i really have a deep relationship to get mature?" Feel like slapping myself for asking that dumb question. Now, i can answer my own question. No, you don't need that to be mature. Anyhow, if you meet somebody who suit you and mature, you are going to learn much from him. Or you should get some lessons in life. Although mostly the pain of falling down are unbearable, but it's the courage and determine to stand up and stay strong that make you mature. Smooth sailing life is not a life.
I like the feeling of missing you. It makes me feel like you never left. People come and go. For some friendship that i've treasured but i know it's vanishing, because of why i'm not sure, but i wish you the best of luck all the time. For all the people that once in my life, care for me, but now due to some factors we're maybe not even friends, aquintances maybe or even stranger, thank you. Sincerely. For those who still bonded with me, i hope this will last. For last 2 years, i get to know a lot of things, including those u treat them like real friends but turn their back when you need them or only find me to get some benifits. It's sad but it's good i think, to get to know. Okay, I'm goin to sleep soon. Thanks for not available tonight, so that i can have time to write to my lovely fudgie. Finger crossed, hoping you're going to have a great week. xoxo.
Anyway, deep down i know that i'm not that young and childish girl anymore. Bear used to say that i'm childish when we're 17. I once asked her:" Do i really have a deep relationship to get mature?" Feel like slapping myself for asking that dumb question. Now, i can answer my own question. No, you don't need that to be mature. Anyhow, if you meet somebody who suit you and mature, you are going to learn much from him. Or you should get some lessons in life. Although mostly the pain of falling down are unbearable, but it's the courage and determine to stand up and stay strong that make you mature. Smooth sailing life is not a life.
I like the feeling of missing you. It makes me feel like you never left. People come and go. For some friendship that i've treasured but i know it's vanishing, because of why i'm not sure, but i wish you the best of luck all the time. For all the people that once in my life, care for me, but now due to some factors we're maybe not even friends, aquintances maybe or even stranger, thank you. Sincerely. For those who still bonded with me, i hope this will last. For last 2 years, i get to know a lot of things, including those u treat them like real friends but turn their back when you need them or only find me to get some benifits. It's sad but it's good i think, to get to know. Okay, I'm goin to sleep soon. Thanks for not available tonight, so that i can have time to write to my lovely fudgie. Finger crossed, hoping you're going to have a great week. xoxo.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
So near yet so far
Dear fudgie:
I always know what's my dream, what's my goal and who i'm. I'm that kinda girl that know what i want and do everything it takes and leads to my goals. Maybe sometimes i'm too confident in myself and people often misjugde me as arrogant. Well, maybe it's true. haha..Well, you cannot blame me for this as since i was a child i have been treated unfairly in primary schools. That's why since then, i told myself to be super good in everything.
Since in secondary school, i told myself that i have to get straight a's in every public examinations. So that i can see the proud face and the pride in my parents. I'd study really hard and yup, i did it. I told myself that i have to get a chance to goto Japan as student exchange. And i did it, better still, it was FOC. I told myself that i've to get JPA scholarship so that my parents won't have to pay a penny for my tertiary education. Anyway, it's their hard-earned money, why should they spent it on me? I prefer they use that money to go for vacation or something else. However, fair lady is not by my side this time, i didn't get it. I'm stubborn, as all my friends know about that, and i take the challenge, STPM. I told myself that i'm gonna rock my STPM and get my much-coveted chance to study overseas. Studying overseas is my dream since dinasour is still on this earth.
Time flies, and the cliche' "like a blink oy eye" , STPM trial come and goes. And i done badly. Really bad. I've never been studied till so hard and this is the worst results that i've get in my entire life. My superior aim is to get 4 flat in my STPM. Right now, it's like a vapour, vaporising into thin air. When i get my chemistry results, there's a fire in me that told me ' jiawen, seriously study hard from now on and show to others who you really are and what are you capable of.' When i told others, i expect the same from their mouth. " You can do it in real STPM, come on, don't worry so much!!" Should i not be worrying? I doubt.
I often live in other people's expectation. And the most important is i always live under my expectation. I expect myself to be good, excellent and great. I want to live the life and achieve whatever i've promised myself. But can i achieve everyone of those? I hate to say that i doubt actually. Please, give me some guidance give me some luck and i really need it right now. Finger crossed, please let me live the life that i want. Seriously.
I always know what's my dream, what's my goal and who i'm. I'm that kinda girl that know what i want and do everything it takes and leads to my goals. Maybe sometimes i'm too confident in myself and people often misjugde me as arrogant. Well, maybe it's true. haha..Well, you cannot blame me for this as since i was a child i have been treated unfairly in primary schools. That's why since then, i told myself to be super good in everything.
Since in secondary school, i told myself that i have to get straight a's in every public examinations. So that i can see the proud face and the pride in my parents. I'd study really hard and yup, i did it. I told myself that i have to get a chance to goto Japan as student exchange. And i did it, better still, it was FOC. I told myself that i've to get JPA scholarship so that my parents won't have to pay a penny for my tertiary education. Anyway, it's their hard-earned money, why should they spent it on me? I prefer they use that money to go for vacation or something else. However, fair lady is not by my side this time, i didn't get it. I'm stubborn, as all my friends know about that, and i take the challenge, STPM. I told myself that i'm gonna rock my STPM and get my much-coveted chance to study overseas. Studying overseas is my dream since dinasour is still on this earth.
Time flies, and the cliche' "like a blink oy eye" , STPM trial come and goes. And i done badly. Really bad. I've never been studied till so hard and this is the worst results that i've get in my entire life. My superior aim is to get 4 flat in my STPM. Right now, it's like a vapour, vaporising into thin air. When i get my chemistry results, there's a fire in me that told me ' jiawen, seriously study hard from now on and show to others who you really are and what are you capable of.' When i told others, i expect the same from their mouth. " You can do it in real STPM, come on, don't worry so much!!" Should i not be worrying? I doubt.
I often live in other people's expectation. And the most important is i always live under my expectation. I expect myself to be good, excellent and great. I want to live the life and achieve whatever i've promised myself. But can i achieve everyone of those? I hate to say that i doubt actually. Please, give me some guidance give me some luck and i really need it right now. Finger crossed, please let me live the life that i want. Seriously.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Birthday!! Happy? Absolutely.
Dear fudgie:
Abondoned my math, here i am again. I HAVE AN AWESOME BIRTHDAY EVER!! It's actually last week, where i do not have the slight expectation because the trial examination was the next day. Knowing very well that nobody is going to celebrate it with me, i did not fantasice a surprise and continued memorising those hateful facts. Another sad thing is, i did not accept the phone call or even a text of birthday wishes from the person that i wished to receive the most. I'm almost devastated:(
Just when I'm at the verge of giving up my paper1 pa, i received an unexpected visit from a dear friend, shiarn feen!! She even brought a small chocolate moose and a present!! I was so so surprised and i almost kissed her..haha..That's the first surprise.
After our biology tuition, when i was paying the tuition fees, i saw inlu peeking from the kitchen and the next thing, i saw kuei ping and wei chen carrying a piece of secret recipe's cake, lighted with candle and sang the birthday song. Awwwww, that's so sweet you know. Normally it's me who plan all these things but when that's dedicated for me, i just did not know how to response and all i can do was laughed. And when i take a closer look, it's Tiramisu, my all time favourite! Thanks again my cute friends. That was the second surprise.
Around ten pm, when i decided to dizzy myself by filling in those poisonous pa facts, i received a call and that's the third surprise. This surprise i decided to keep to me and myself only for which it's too valueble and i just want it to be just between me and the special one. Sorry fudgie:) You just have to know that i'm blessed, overwhelmed and HAPPY. That's officially my favourite and the most happy day in my life. Ever.
Then the long and suffering exam week was finally over. I'm quite amazed with myself where i had to deal with stress, sadness, pain all in one week. There was actually time i broke down and curled myself up in bed. Nah, it's not because of exam, it's of something personal. But just so you know, i'm cool again fudgie, so no worries:) And here comes the fourth surprise. Thursday, when i thought jia jia and jane were keeping their promise to accompany me though the night, so i thought we were going for a girls' night. When i walked out of the street, suddenly, a group of people just running towards me, shouting and laughing. I couldn't recognise any of them as my visions was blurred with all the pop-up ribbons which are all over my hair and body. SURPRISE!! They were actually my form 6 gang of friends!!! I was tearing and touched when i saw kuei ping holding a cake with candles lighted!!!! After that we had a lovely dinner at pizza hut and a supper at oriental cafe. They even bought me a box of The Body Shop stuff which i adore so so much. Thanks again my friends!!
I'm so so blessed for which i can celebrate my birthday this year with my beloved ones. Thanks for everything and here i am, once again, finger crossed, hoping that my birthday next year will be a blast and i'll have the chance to celebrate it with my love ones:) Birthday..happy? Absolutely.
Abondoned my math, here i am again. I HAVE AN AWESOME BIRTHDAY EVER!! It's actually last week, where i do not have the slight expectation because the trial examination was the next day. Knowing very well that nobody is going to celebrate it with me, i did not fantasice a surprise and continued memorising those hateful facts. Another sad thing is, i did not accept the phone call or even a text of birthday wishes from the person that i wished to receive the most. I'm almost devastated:(
Just when I'm at the verge of giving up my paper1 pa, i received an unexpected visit from a dear friend, shiarn feen!! She even brought a small chocolate moose and a present!! I was so so surprised and i almost kissed her..haha..That's the first surprise.
After our biology tuition, when i was paying the tuition fees, i saw inlu peeking from the kitchen and the next thing, i saw kuei ping and wei chen carrying a piece of secret recipe's cake, lighted with candle and sang the birthday song. Awwwww, that's so sweet you know. Normally it's me who plan all these things but when that's dedicated for me, i just did not know how to response and all i can do was laughed. And when i take a closer look, it's Tiramisu, my all time favourite! Thanks again my cute friends. That was the second surprise.
Around ten pm, when i decided to dizzy myself by filling in those poisonous pa facts, i received a call and that's the third surprise. This surprise i decided to keep to me and myself only for which it's too valueble and i just want it to be just between me and the special one. Sorry fudgie:) You just have to know that i'm blessed, overwhelmed and HAPPY. That's officially my favourite and the most happy day in my life. Ever.
Then the long and suffering exam week was finally over. I'm quite amazed with myself where i had to deal with stress, sadness, pain all in one week. There was actually time i broke down and curled myself up in bed. Nah, it's not because of exam, it's of something personal. But just so you know, i'm cool again fudgie, so no worries:) And here comes the fourth surprise. Thursday, when i thought jia jia and jane were keeping their promise to accompany me though the night, so i thought we were going for a girls' night. When i walked out of the street, suddenly, a group of people just running towards me, shouting and laughing. I couldn't recognise any of them as my visions was blurred with all the pop-up ribbons which are all over my hair and body. SURPRISE!! They were actually my form 6 gang of friends!!! I was tearing and touched when i saw kuei ping holding a cake with candles lighted!!!! After that we had a lovely dinner at pizza hut and a supper at oriental cafe. They even bought me a box of The Body Shop stuff which i adore so so much. Thanks again my friends!!
I'm so so blessed for which i can celebrate my birthday this year with my beloved ones. Thanks for everything and here i am, once again, finger crossed, hoping that my birthday next year will be a blast and i'll have the chance to celebrate it with my love ones:) Birthday..happy? Absolutely.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
眼泪笑了
比想象中更痛
你真的没回头
我命令眼泪不许失控
回忆不跟你走
都挤在我心中
我就有责任让它值得被珍重
谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候
我眼泪都笑了
谁还想哭呢
再勇敢地站着
找回光和热
面对你的时候
我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客
因为路有些曲折是美的
心碎成了沙漠
就快开凿绿洲
我没有时间不知所措
你温柔的双手
本就不属于我
又何必在乎它以后属于谁呢
谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候
眼泪都笑了
谁还会哭呢
来不及完美的
就唱首骊歌
想起你的时候
我不是卑微的
反而我没有遗憾
因为我已爱过你
深深的
你真的没回头
我命令眼泪不许失控
回忆不跟你走
都挤在我心中
我就有责任让它值得被珍重
谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候
我眼泪都笑了
谁还想哭呢
再勇敢地站着
找回光和热
面对你的时候
我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客
因为路有些曲折是美的
心碎成了沙漠
就快开凿绿洲
我没有时间不知所措
你温柔的双手
本就不属于我
又何必在乎它以后属于谁呢
谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候
眼泪都笑了
谁还会哭呢
来不及完美的
就唱首骊歌
想起你的时候
我不是卑微的
反而我没有遗憾
因为我已爱过你
深深的
Friday, July 16, 2010
It's more than enough
Dear fudgie:
Fudgie, you're the only solace that i can only rely on. I have a terrible week. I'm not those teenagers that get moody or sad because of trivial issues. So many problems, spinning in my mind that make me feel dizzy. In fact i really start to have headsche nowadays, which i never had so frequent in my life. Peoples, letting me down. Study, never done within my scedule. Flu and cough, never leave me alone. What the heck!!
Is it me that ask too much from you? I do not know. I feel like shouting out loud right now, in the second minute, i feel in broking down and just curl myself in a corner. I miss my friends, i miss those understanding that i used to have. Everyday i talk like it's nobody business and laugh like nobody's there. However those things, those people won't leave me alone. They keep on repeating, like a vicious cycle.
I do not like the new me. I've tried to hold back myanger for so many times. Keep on telling myself not to burst out because it will only make things worst. I hate that. I feel like slapping myself everytime i did that. I feel like i'm a culprit, a loser, a weaker, which i'm definately not. This is the confidence that i've in myself. I do not care if anyone are discussing about me about this point, but i do care when people that i care did this. It's really more than enough. I'll stop being a loser and i will only care for things that i only care and care the hell for those who're not deserved.
I'm finger-crossed for lili, the most precious one that i care and love the most in the earth, that everything is going to be alright and problem-free. Whatever life throws at you, you know that you'll have me and my support :)
Fudgie, you're the only solace that i can only rely on. I have a terrible week. I'm not those teenagers that get moody or sad because of trivial issues. So many problems, spinning in my mind that make me feel dizzy. In fact i really start to have headsche nowadays, which i never had so frequent in my life. Peoples, letting me down. Study, never done within my scedule. Flu and cough, never leave me alone. What the heck!!
Is it me that ask too much from you? I do not know. I feel like shouting out loud right now, in the second minute, i feel in broking down and just curl myself in a corner. I miss my friends, i miss those understanding that i used to have. Everyday i talk like it's nobody business and laugh like nobody's there. However those things, those people won't leave me alone. They keep on repeating, like a vicious cycle.
I do not like the new me. I've tried to hold back myanger for so many times. Keep on telling myself not to burst out because it will only make things worst. I hate that. I feel like slapping myself everytime i did that. I feel like i'm a culprit, a loser, a weaker, which i'm definately not. This is the confidence that i've in myself. I do not care if anyone are discussing about me about this point, but i do care when people that i care did this. It's really more than enough. I'll stop being a loser and i will only care for things that i only care and care the hell for those who're not deserved.
I'm finger-crossed for lili, the most precious one that i care and love the most in the earth, that everything is going to be alright and problem-free. Whatever life throws at you, you know that you'll have me and my support :)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
同手同脚
还记得小小年纪
松开我的手迷失的你
在人群里看见你
一边哭泣手还握着冰淇淋
有时候难过生气
你总有办法逗我开心
依然清晰回忆里
那些曾经有笑有泪的光阴
我们的生命先后顺序
在同个温室里
也是存在在这个世界
唯一的唯一
未来的每一步一脚印
踏着彼此梦想前进
路上偶尔风吹雨淋
也要握紧你的手心
未来的每一步一脚印
相知相惜相依为命
别忘记之间的约定
我会永远在你身边陪着你现在我唱的这首歌曲
给我最亲爱的 lili
在我未来生命之旅
要和你同手同脚同地走下去
松开我的手迷失的你
在人群里看见你
一边哭泣手还握着冰淇淋
有时候难过生气
你总有办法逗我开心
依然清晰回忆里
那些曾经有笑有泪的光阴
我们的生命先后顺序
在同个温室里
也是存在在这个世界
唯一的唯一
未来的每一步一脚印
踏着彼此梦想前进
路上偶尔风吹雨淋
也要握紧你的手心
未来的每一步一脚印
相知相惜相依为命
别忘记之间的约定
我会永远在你身边陪着你现在我唱的这首歌曲
给我最亲爱的 lili
在我未来生命之旅
要和你同手同脚同地走下去
Friday, July 9, 2010
Blanked
I've read a very inspiring book titled: The diary of a young girl : Anne Frank. I'll soon write a blog about that later on. In her diary, she named her diary 'Kitty' and made her diary very personal and lively. I love that. So, from now on, i will name mine 'fudgie' .
Dear fudgie:
(As my title goes) I'm so confused and puzzled nowadays. Many things and events happenned recently and i realised something. Somehow, i think differently from others. Is that a bad thing? It's like my objective of life, my thinking, my behaviour to some people are adsurb, ridiculous, unbelieveable and unconsiderate and wrong. I'm really frustrated because somehow i believe that i'm not wrong. After all the dramas in my life, i learn to be considerate, i learn to put myself in others shoes and think twice (or more than that) before i do or talk. The thing is, when i tihnk in route A, people think in route B. So when i done it by route A instead of B, people are sad, disappointed in me. I want to clear things but it's always not a good timing. Why is this happenning to me. Sometimes i want to shout out :"HEY, THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKIN!! GET IT?? STOP MISUNDERSTANDING ME!!"
Sometimes i tend to think, okay, this is me. This is my way of doing things and thinking. Is either you get it or not. If you know me well, you'll understand that i do not think in that way and i will not act that. If i really did something unpleasant, i'm not stupid and irrational. It must be for a reason. If you confront me, i will appreaciate it because this shows that you care. If you just let it die of like that, that's the end of the story. I'm being nice and considerate but somehow i do not know why people will interprate it as harsh and disappointing. So do you wish that everytime when i wanna be nice i'll utter it out loud? Latest example: When i'm talking to A, A seems tired and not in mood for talking. Immediately i sensed that and try to talk on another topic you'll be interest with. Oh, you're not. It seems like you are really not in mood. Naturally, i advised you to rest well so that we can have a nice conversation next time. HOWEVER, to A, i'm ....................you fill in the blank. And now, i'm totally blanked.
Dear fudgie:
(As my title goes) I'm so confused and puzzled nowadays. Many things and events happenned recently and i realised something. Somehow, i think differently from others. Is that a bad thing? It's like my objective of life, my thinking, my behaviour to some people are adsurb, ridiculous, unbelieveable and unconsiderate and wrong. I'm really frustrated because somehow i believe that i'm not wrong. After all the dramas in my life, i learn to be considerate, i learn to put myself in others shoes and think twice (or more than that) before i do or talk. The thing is, when i tihnk in route A, people think in route B. So when i done it by route A instead of B, people are sad, disappointed in me. I want to clear things but it's always not a good timing. Why is this happenning to me. Sometimes i want to shout out :"HEY, THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKIN!! GET IT?? STOP MISUNDERSTANDING ME!!"
Sometimes i tend to think, okay, this is me. This is my way of doing things and thinking. Is either you get it or not. If you know me well, you'll understand that i do not think in that way and i will not act that. If i really did something unpleasant, i'm not stupid and irrational. It must be for a reason. If you confront me, i will appreaciate it because this shows that you care. If you just let it die of like that, that's the end of the story. I'm being nice and considerate but somehow i do not know why people will interprate it as harsh and disappointing. So do you wish that everytime when i wanna be nice i'll utter it out loud? Latest example: When i'm talking to A, A seems tired and not in mood for talking. Immediately i sensed that and try to talk on another topic you'll be interest with. Oh, you're not. It seems like you are really not in mood. Naturally, i advised you to rest well so that we can have a nice conversation next time. HOWEVER, to A, i'm ....................you fill in the blank. And now, i'm totally blanked.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
seasonings of life
I can't recall when is the last time i wrote a blog. The truth is, i realise i will only have the notion to write one when i have a special feeling. The unusual one. There are several times where i wished that i have my laptop beside me so that i can expres all my thoughts by depicting it in a blog.
My days are the same, routine nowadays. I can't define it as monotonous because somehow i like it. Everyday it is the same. School, homework, laughing, eating, screaming.........it keeps on repeating, repeating and repeating. I won't define it as monotonous, because somehow, i enjoy it, i like it. I love it. It is easy, predictable, and smooth. Ironically, i'm not this kind of person that like this kinda life. I used to love surprises, i joined any competition that i could, because i like to perform myself, and try as hard as possible to savour the taste of victory. I enjoy trips, as it is a perfect deviation off my routine life. Compared to last year, where i'd experienced so many events, embedded myself in different kinds of emotions: tragic, love, betrayal, difficulties in making the ultimate choice, sad, happiness, sorrow, excitement, novelty, confusion, seperation..........each event left me with different impacts, which actually altered my thoughts and behaviour.
Life is just so boring without seasonings, but i guess mine are finishing. A part of me like the original taste of it as it is a novelty to me. You will get bored or even sick if you have too much of pepper or salts in your bowl. Not to mention perservatives which false the taste and bad for your health. I do not need that at this moment. No matter what life offers me in future, chilli or garlic, i can take it. For now on, i'm finger-cross and hope that the original taste that i've chosen is a good choice.
My days are the same, routine nowadays. I can't define it as monotonous because somehow i like it. Everyday it is the same. School, homework, laughing, eating, screaming.........it keeps on repeating, repeating and repeating. I won't define it as monotonous, because somehow, i enjoy it, i like it. I love it. It is easy, predictable, and smooth. Ironically, i'm not this kind of person that like this kinda life. I used to love surprises, i joined any competition that i could, because i like to perform myself, and try as hard as possible to savour the taste of victory. I enjoy trips, as it is a perfect deviation off my routine life. Compared to last year, where i'd experienced so many events, embedded myself in different kinds of emotions: tragic, love, betrayal, difficulties in making the ultimate choice, sad, happiness, sorrow, excitement, novelty, confusion, seperation..........each event left me with different impacts, which actually altered my thoughts and behaviour.
Life is just so boring without seasonings, but i guess mine are finishing. A part of me like the original taste of it as it is a novelty to me. You will get bored or even sick if you have too much of pepper or salts in your bowl. Not to mention perservatives which false the taste and bad for your health. I do not need that at this moment. No matter what life offers me in future, chilli or garlic, i can take it. For now on, i'm finger-cross and hope that the original taste that i've chosen is a good choice.
Monday, February 15, 2010
chinese new year?
Chinese New Year is consider to be the biggest event of the year. For once, it used to be like that. I keep on recall the chinese new year that i used to have in my childhood, for it was filled with joy and happiness.
Reunion Dinner is suppose to be merry, it's the preparation that i enjoy the most. All those moms busy chatting as they cook, all dads chatting non-stop from politics to economics. For us, kids, we gamble, we play games, well, just to name a few. But this year, i'm totally moodless for the cny. We are not having reunion dinner with uncle and his family as usual. Da ke is in dubai fro training, Er le is at US studying. It was so so so so Boring......Mama is not here anymore. i miss her so much, as i used to have mama with us during cny. Chinese New Year is never the same anymore. Some how i missed last year's reunion dinner. Although mama just passed away at that time, but all of us were there. Though all of us were sad and mourn, but all of us were united at that moment. Comfort each other and care of everyone. I missed that moment so badly. Well, my family had our reunion dinner in kuala krai this year. Somehow, it's not the same as billy, my favourite cousin went to England, studying.Haiz.....what a year....
I do not know why, but i begin to dislike cny right now. Right now, cny means trying your very best to dig back all the memorable moments and act like your're having them right now. I hate it. Somehow i started to hate visiting as everyone asked you the same thing and you reply them the same thing. Oh yea, and those aunty will compare you with their son or relatives. How i wish that i can shout at them, asking them to shut up. I know that i'm blessed enought for i can spent my cny with my family while some can't. For now, i just wish that everyone that i care and miss who are in foreign country, not able to come back for cny are doing good and fine. Once again, i'm finger crossed that the reunion dinner that i wish for will come true next year. Happy CNY? I guess not.
Reunion Dinner is suppose to be merry, it's the preparation that i enjoy the most. All those moms busy chatting as they cook, all dads chatting non-stop from politics to economics. For us, kids, we gamble, we play games, well, just to name a few. But this year, i'm totally moodless for the cny. We are not having reunion dinner with uncle and his family as usual. Da ke is in dubai fro training, Er le is at US studying. It was so so so so Boring......Mama is not here anymore. i miss her so much, as i used to have mama with us during cny. Chinese New Year is never the same anymore. Some how i missed last year's reunion dinner. Although mama just passed away at that time, but all of us were there. Though all of us were sad and mourn, but all of us were united at that moment. Comfort each other and care of everyone. I missed that moment so badly. Well, my family had our reunion dinner in kuala krai this year. Somehow, it's not the same as billy, my favourite cousin went to England, studying.Haiz.....what a year....
I do not know why, but i begin to dislike cny right now. Right now, cny means trying your very best to dig back all the memorable moments and act like your're having them right now. I hate it. Somehow i started to hate visiting as everyone asked you the same thing and you reply them the same thing. Oh yea, and those aunty will compare you with their son or relatives. How i wish that i can shout at them, asking them to shut up. I know that i'm blessed enought for i can spent my cny with my family while some can't. For now, i just wish that everyone that i care and miss who are in foreign country, not able to come back for cny are doing good and fine. Once again, i'm finger crossed that the reunion dinner that i wish for will come true next year. Happy CNY? I guess not.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
A year has passed..
A year has passed, and yet i still miss granny involuntary and sometimes i found myself murmuring to her. Tell her about problems that i'm facing, and asked for her guidance. Although mama( that's how i address her) had passed away exactly one year, the image of her, all the wisdom and advice she once told me, all those memories that i had with her did not wane and yet as clearly and vivid as it just happenned yesterday.
Since i was a kid, granny is my idol. She may not be well-educated, but her wisdom of life is even more better than many educated people. Preserverance is the most important value of life that i've learned from mama. She told me about how they survive through second world war. Although it was just a brief description, i can tell the fear and the pain. She was just at my age at that time. If it's me, for sure i cannot deal with that. My grandpa died young, leaving mama as a widow with 3 children. She was a strict mum. And granny. Since small, all of us were scolded, hit hard when we done something wrong. I still remember how fierce she was when she found out that i sneaked out and buy cold beverage. She used to restain me from cold drinks as it's bad for health.
Until she met the accident, and her arm was in pain everyday due to nervous disorder. I used to helped her to sort of 'massage' it, hoping it would ease her pain. There's one day, she suddenly 'cubit' me and i jumped in shock and screamed in pain. She smiled and said " that's the pain that i endure every night. "
She suffered the pain of her hand for about 5 years i think. There's times where she uttered words like " let me die and free me from the pain". I used to scold her and told her not to even have the notion in her mind. I reminded her how blessed she was as all of us love her, care about her. However, sometimes i think that i'm selfish as it's me myself who could not let her go, the slight imagination about her leaving us made my tears streamming down my cheek.
Mama, i knew that you died in peace. You waited tjun came, sat beside you and then only you let go. Till now, i still condemn myself why didn't i try my best to listen what you're murmuring that night, the last night i was with you, the last night you're in this world. Anyhow, every now and then, i can feel that you're still with us. Well, I cannot explain that. Sometimes when i wanna buy a coke, your voice will ring in my mind. Honestly, i love it and miss it so much.
I promise you that i 'll become a person that you'll proud of and happy for me high up from heaven, under the arm of God. Preserverance that you have shown me mould me into who i'm today. However, sometimes it's too competitive and stubborn in a bad way. Hee...
In 'Tuesday with Morrie", it's written that one is not entirely died even he was dead. The compassion and love that you once radiate is still with us, with the entire family. Even one year passed, all of us still miss you and the love is ceaceless. You're forever in my heart mama..Love you.
Since i was a kid, granny is my idol. She may not be well-educated, but her wisdom of life is even more better than many educated people. Preserverance is the most important value of life that i've learned from mama. She told me about how they survive through second world war. Although it was just a brief description, i can tell the fear and the pain. She was just at my age at that time. If it's me, for sure i cannot deal with that. My grandpa died young, leaving mama as a widow with 3 children. She was a strict mum. And granny. Since small, all of us were scolded, hit hard when we done something wrong. I still remember how fierce she was when she found out that i sneaked out and buy cold beverage. She used to restain me from cold drinks as it's bad for health.
Until she met the accident, and her arm was in pain everyday due to nervous disorder. I used to helped her to sort of 'massage' it, hoping it would ease her pain. There's one day, she suddenly 'cubit' me and i jumped in shock and screamed in pain. She smiled and said " that's the pain that i endure every night. "
She suffered the pain of her hand for about 5 years i think. There's times where she uttered words like " let me die and free me from the pain". I used to scold her and told her not to even have the notion in her mind. I reminded her how blessed she was as all of us love her, care about her. However, sometimes i think that i'm selfish as it's me myself who could not let her go, the slight imagination about her leaving us made my tears streamming down my cheek.
Mama, i knew that you died in peace. You waited tjun came, sat beside you and then only you let go. Till now, i still condemn myself why didn't i try my best to listen what you're murmuring that night, the last night i was with you, the last night you're in this world. Anyhow, every now and then, i can feel that you're still with us. Well, I cannot explain that. Sometimes when i wanna buy a coke, your voice will ring in my mind. Honestly, i love it and miss it so much.
I promise you that i 'll become a person that you'll proud of and happy for me high up from heaven, under the arm of God. Preserverance that you have shown me mould me into who i'm today. However, sometimes it's too competitive and stubborn in a bad way. Hee...
In 'Tuesday with Morrie", it's written that one is not entirely died even he was dead. The compassion and love that you once radiate is still with us, with the entire family. Even one year passed, all of us still miss you and the love is ceaceless. You're forever in my heart mama..Love you.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Tuesday With Morrie
In the beginning of this new year, the brand new 2010, i accidentaly found this novel, Tuesday with Morrie in the library. The front page is simple, the title is more than usual, and not as thick as the usual novel that i used to read.. However, my eyes beamed with delight when i saw this novel and grabbed it immediately. Bear once told me that this novel is superb and mind-provoking. hmm, this is something i would like to read about, leave alone all those teary romance that Nicholas Sparks brought me that i had enough during the holistic holiday.
Once i came back from school, i immediately online to check my muet grade. Well, the goverment should really improve their internet system as the line is so damn slow. After a few attempts, i gave up and checked thru message. One thing that i hate about checking thru message is that i hate those disappointments that it once brought. JPA, matrics, I HAD ENOUGH. However, it's not satisfy, it still struck me, without further alarms, and leave me alone in dismal. Oh shit, it's not the grade that i expected. All those four letter words are circling around my mind, not to spit it out because of my mother was just beside me.
One thing that i hate myself is that i always have a standard, expectation in myself. So, i'll make sure that i work hard to reach my target, not to regret after that. And i'm competitive in a negative way, i like to compare myself with other people. That makes me work harder, to win whatever race and competition which i put myself into. When i win of course, you'll see me laugh, not to express it in front if everyone, but deep down, i'm savouring the taste of joy and satisfaction that success offer. When i didn't make it, i'll get teary and condemn God for being unfair. On my second thought, i'll start to think why it goes wrong, but the second thought just seldom appear in my mind.
After reading Tuesday With Morrie yesterday, i actually get something. Here's my favourite part.
"What i'm doing now, is detaching myself from experience. Learn to detach. Like Buddhists say, don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Let the experiance penetrate you fully, That's how you are able to leave it. "
"Take an emotion, fear, pain. If you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to go all the wat though them, you can never get being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, afraid of the grief, afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. "
"But by throwing yourself into these emotion, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. And only then you can say 'All right. I have experience that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now i need to detach from that emotioni for a moment. "
"Same for loneliness, you let go, let the tears flow, don't hold it, let it flow completely-but eventually be able to say," All right, that was my moment with loneliness.I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and i'm going to experience them as well"
Thanks Prof. Morrie Schwartz for all those provoking ideas.
Thanks Mr. Mitch Albom for writting this incredible book and give your readers a chance to understands the simplicity beyond life's complexities.
Once i came back from school, i immediately online to check my muet grade. Well, the goverment should really improve their internet system as the line is so damn slow. After a few attempts, i gave up and checked thru message. One thing that i hate about checking thru message is that i hate those disappointments that it once brought. JPA, matrics, I HAD ENOUGH. However, it's not satisfy, it still struck me, without further alarms, and leave me alone in dismal. Oh shit, it's not the grade that i expected. All those four letter words are circling around my mind, not to spit it out because of my mother was just beside me.
One thing that i hate myself is that i always have a standard, expectation in myself. So, i'll make sure that i work hard to reach my target, not to regret after that. And i'm competitive in a negative way, i like to compare myself with other people. That makes me work harder, to win whatever race and competition which i put myself into. When i win of course, you'll see me laugh, not to express it in front if everyone, but deep down, i'm savouring the taste of joy and satisfaction that success offer. When i didn't make it, i'll get teary and condemn God for being unfair. On my second thought, i'll start to think why it goes wrong, but the second thought just seldom appear in my mind.
After reading Tuesday With Morrie yesterday, i actually get something. Here's my favourite part.
"What i'm doing now, is detaching myself from experience. Learn to detach. Like Buddhists say, don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent. Let the experiance penetrate you fully, That's how you are able to leave it. "
"Take an emotion, fear, pain. If you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to go all the wat though them, you can never get being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, afraid of the grief, afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. "
"But by throwing yourself into these emotion, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. And only then you can say 'All right. I have experience that emotion. I recognise that emotion. Now i need to detach from that emotioni for a moment. "
"Same for loneliness, you let go, let the tears flow, don't hold it, let it flow completely-but eventually be able to say," All right, that was my moment with loneliness.I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and i'm going to experience them as well"
Thanks Prof. Morrie Schwartz for all those provoking ideas.
Thanks Mr. Mitch Albom for writting this incredible book and give your readers a chance to understands the simplicity beyond life's complexities.
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